On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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