I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
