...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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