Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
