Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
