I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Alive.
So much puke
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
