they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
