you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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