Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
