pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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