Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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