Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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