A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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