??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
