I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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