Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
