from now on my penis is your penis
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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