I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
