someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Tornado booty call.. dedication
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
