I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
