I just made out with a guy for $7.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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