he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
