Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
