You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
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