My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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