Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
