I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
