i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
