It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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