im drinking this country out of the recession.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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