Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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