watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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