Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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