absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
