the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
