Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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