I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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