You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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