you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
