My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
