Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
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