I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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