I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
