I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just puked most of my soul out..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
