Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
