I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
