i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
