please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
