I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
