just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
