Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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