i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She bit a glass in half.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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