So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
