Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
