i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I love having hate sex.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
