guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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