Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
