Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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