Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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