i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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