Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
