I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize